I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
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