the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
just found a picture from last night.
the one of you riding a horse with nothing but a bulletproof vest on?
uhm.... no?...
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
