My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
i spent my evening searching "the sims having sex" on youtube
we're no longer friends
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
I stepped in puke last night then washed it off my shoe with beer. Is there a grace period to respect before wearing them to class?
I believe in your delicious
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
Randomize
