I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
NExt question... Do i wanna sleep under my palm tree
YES.
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
Hne relally is a cite oerfect gome. Nes awddddddddooooome.
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
Is it possible to be sexually attracted to someone's hair?
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
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