Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
Where??
Against the wall. In corner. Only gave him head though don't worry
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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