I haven't seen Daniella all day...are you sure she was safe going home with that guy?
oh don't worry! i asked him if he was a rapist. he said no
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
Randomize
