I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
She stuck a Big Gulp bend-y straw up his ass to see if he could handle anal.
Ew, and?!
Well he couldn't and the deal was he had to drink something using it afterwards.
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
I went to class with the sex aroma on me. The hot sun doesn't help much.
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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