it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
