god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
My lecture teach is passed out next to me. I think I'm doing pretty good for a freshman.
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
