my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
Btw I puked in your glovebox
Randomize
