Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
Operation Purity has been aborted
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
Randomize
