addddeeerrraaaallll.
ok i'm not sure if that was a success statement or a cry for help.
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
my quiz for the book was only 2 questions and my one answer was sorry and then a sad face
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
Randomize
