I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
My vagina would be awesome. I would be the most popular girl in the village.
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
Randomize
