Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
So let me get this straight. You would sleep with an uncircumcised guy whose name you didn't know, but you won't try the new shrimp taco from taco bell?
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
just went to my meeting with last nights make up still on, not wearing a bra, and the 14 shot tallies still on my wrist.. My advisor's questions should be answered as to why I'm not in my major yet.
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
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