Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
it's not gay if you rub your penis between their butt cheeks and pretend they are tits
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
Last comment. I know of no exercises, diets or practices out there to help keeping balls young and healthy. They simply succumb to gravity.
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
Randomize
