smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
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