why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
I don't fucking care about the convenience of not having freudian slips. I spent 2009-2011 screwing around with 3 different Daniels. 2012 WILL be the dawn of a new day
How about a mike?
Already had two of those
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
