tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
the orgasm was like being thrown to the other end of reality, so getting a nosebleed from it wasnt too upsetting at that point
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
No I come to this class stoned every week. Except last week when I was drinking in class
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