i jhust puked up my retainher.
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
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And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
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No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
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