you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
I'm just saying; the box truck will cost less then dorms or rent, and we can always crash where the party is.
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
Randomize
