Would it be too much if i wore depends to new moon so i dont miss any of it?
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
Randomize
