wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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