I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
dude last night I threw my weed into my back yard. there is now a foot of snow. after an hour I found my weed. if I put that effort into school, i'd have a 4.0.
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
Randomize
