My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
she said i was amazing, then i left to room to take the rubber off and came back to find her masturbating with my xbox controller while niko got a call from roman.
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
i hooked up with a boy reading dear john, i have to get points for that somewhere
no he gets major points for having a girl hookup with him after reading dear john
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
Randomize
