I just found 22 drunken videos and 4 naked pictures on my phone. We'll start the bidding at $5
we just ha sex. he lasted two minutes. i told him to leave because i had class
isnt today saturday?
You watched "From Justin to Kelly" and sang along to more than half of the songs. I didn't know whether to laugh or to be insanely frightened that you knew almost all the lyrics.
Does my status still say I suck cocks? I don't know how to change it
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
You can't just leave with hair like that
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Randomize
