Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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