I'm pants shitting drunk right now
we had that weird still in bed morning after conversation. Her dad is the vp of my company.
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
Randomize
