My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
Randomize
