3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
we played animal sounds and i linked arms with her cuz we were both cats....fate and my community college drama teacher have chosen my one night stand
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
Randomize
