Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
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