it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
I think it's god's punishment for my behavior in Vegas . Lies were told. Angels were defiled. Pools were pissed in
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
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