I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
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