how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
Randomize
