Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
i threw up on the blunt... he was pissed.
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
Randomize
