You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
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