I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
her bf's celebrating 10 yrs of service at kfc...it's safe to say all the good men are taken
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
Randomize
