Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
trsut me youll find me, im the only kanye west here and every1 is chanting dbag at me
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
