The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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