stop calling my apartment porn island.
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
my favorite part was when you kept waving @ that guy and insisiting it was your cousin..and it wasnt and wondering why he wasnt waving back lol you were legit PISSED
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
Randomize
