I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
Really? You have stories that rival having a threesome with the two best friends of the guy your kinda seeing? Thats impressive.
Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
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I cant help but queef when the male extremity enters
What is a male extremity?
i didnt realize it was that long since you've had sex
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
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