Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
It's an Italian thing I guess, grew up on that shit.
I'm Irish, we don't eat cow guts unless they're blended into a fine whiskey
I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
Haha so I huess that means he's a little over 7. I can use my throat as a ruler!!
One less school supply you need to buy!!
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
Randomize
