Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
I don't send those kind of pictures unless the recipient has already been up close and personal with it. I don't give previews, but I will provide recaps.
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
Randomize
