Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
Randomize
