So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
Randomize
