Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
Btw you guys passed out eating DP dough and watching Pocahontas... on a monday
it was stoner heaven..
Randomize
