She came in to my room half naked at 3am asking me if I had seen the movie balls deep 7
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
