I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
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