Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
The beers last night were like the tears from god
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He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
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Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
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