this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
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