not sure what to think.... picked her up and her dad says "if you take her home, you'll regret it"
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
It's okay. I've dumbed down my notes over the semester because I knew I wouldn't be up to understanding things come finals.
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
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