make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
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