That bitch is like a bad destiny's child song.
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
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