Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
we left when one of the guys tried to stick himself with an IV that he found
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
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