I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
lets have sex before this no shave november shit gets outta hand.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
i'm not sure if i'm mentally prepared for this.. politeness? proper grammar? book reader ? this is a whole new meaning of the species penis for me.
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
Im going for myspace 2006 goth bitch. Your worst nightmare
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