I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
That's all? I'm a pro at gay chicken. I'll touch his dick, I have no problem with that.
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
Randomize
