It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
You remember correctly you did get a golf cart ride out but it wasnt because you were special. You were so smashed you were screaming tiger at random golfers in the middle of there backswing.
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
Question. There's no better feeling than clean shaven balls. Do girls get that too?
Don't worry, I'm taking the best gay radar in the World, my sister's boobs. All guy who is not looking at them, it's fair play for us.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
