I hate all girls vehemently.
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
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